Hello Verizon, Can You Hear Me Now?

Flash back to 1985.

You know what? Nevermind. Too far.

Flash back to 2011 instead. Specifically January of said year.

I was getting out of the Army and on my way home from Korea. I had spent several weeks perusing Verizon’s website looking for my new cell phone. I was going to order it the first full day I was home.

My previous phone, an LG Dare Touchscreen was starting to show its age. It was a reliable phone, but after a year at the National Training Center jumping out of vehicles and hiding in the sand, followed by sixteen months in Korea, it needed replacing. The laminate over the main screen was starting to peel, the “chrome” covered plastic was no longer chrome covered. The speaker made this horrible scratchy noise when it rang. The phone had seen better days.

One thing I was determined to get though was a QWERTY keyboard. I hated the touch-screen for typing, mostly because I never used it often enough to gain a fine sense of control. I am a tactile person, and like keys that I can feel (sorry, iPhone). So as I was browsing the site, the only phones that I looked at had keyboards. This excluded almost all of the smart phones, as touch typing seems to be the “in” thing as they get rid of those “bulky” keyboards.

Another reason I stayed away from smart phones was that I simply didn’t want the data package that comes with it. I have no desire for apps, and no desire to check my internet and weather. I already have two computers. Besides, the best smart phone is still worse than a mediocre laptop in terms of processing power. I love my electronics, but am not necessarily a “latest and greatest” type of guy.

I still have and use the original X-Box for god’s sake.

Finally after much debating, I settled on a Samsung Intensity II. My mom and wife both had the Intensity I, and were enamored with it. Further, it had the slide out keyboard, and it was free. I wasn’t going to have a touch screen, but that’s not really such a big deal to me. Everything went well for the first six months. I raved to family and friends that this was the smartest “dumb” phone that I had ever gotten. It did everything that I needed it to, and nothing that I didn’t.

Fast forward to June…

I began to have problems with my phone. It would power off randomly. It would freeze and hang. I tried software and roaming updates, and the problem got worse.

I called Verizon Customer Service. They were nice, pleasant, and made me glad that I was a customer. My replacement phone was on my doorstep in less than 48 hours. I swapped batteries into the new phone, re-downloaded my contacts list and was on my way. Everything was cool.

Fast forward to October…

Everything was no longer cool. As of Monday (two days ago), my phone began to hang again. It locked and froze for two hours for no good reason. So I called Customer Service. I explained to them that I was having phone problems, and that it was freezing and power-cycling (turning off randomly). First she wanted to try a software update. I was calling from my wife’s phone, so that we could both update my phone while I remained on the line. It froze and then powered down during the update. She then offered me the same phone.

I was livid, and told her I wanted a different phone.

“I can offer you a warranty replacement,” she said.

“That’s not acceptable,” I replied, “Why would I want the same phone that has broken twice on me? I’m not rough on it, the damn thing stays in my pocket or on the nightstand mostly…”

“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied again, “but the policy is that if we have it in stock, we have to replace it with the same model.”

“That simply isn’t going to work. I would like to talk to someone about cancelling my service.”

And so she passed me off to a “Tier II” customer service representative (or, I suspect, her boss).

After much back and forth, I agreed to accept the same phone. The Tier II representative (whose name escapes me) had said something that sounded reasonable. “The last time you replaced your phone, you used the same battery. This time, I want to replace the battery. If it’s power-cycling, perhaps the battery is faulty and overloading the phone.”

So she told me that she ordered a new battery and a new phone, and both should be at my doorstep within 48 hours. This afternoon, I received a text message from my wife saying that my phone was in. Upon arriving home, I couldn’t even work up the typical guy excitement for opening new electronics. This was going to be a great big giant bag of FAIL, and I didn’t even have to open the bubble wrap to find that out.

But open the bubble wrap I did. First was the phone, in shiny black and with a sticker that said:

“CERTIFIED! LIKE-NEW!”

I understand, refurbished products are supposed to be better than new. Certified pre-owned cars are supposed to be amazing. They’ve gone through a two-billion checkpoint process to make sure that they are perfect.But somehow, I know in the back of my mind that this phone was returned because there were problems. And when I am returning a phone because it had problems, I want a new phone in return. I do NOT want a phone that I suspect was returned for the exact reason that I am returning mine.

So the phone came out of the box, and there was no battery cover. Whatever. I will use the old battery cover. Who cares? Then I open the second box, expecting the new battery. What do I get? Just as I predicted, a great big giant bag of FAIL. Inside the box (which is the size of two “Lord of the Rings” Director’s Cut box specials) is a battery cover slightly larger than a credit card, surrounded by bags of inflatable cushioning, and a warranty agreement for my non-moveable piece of plastic (did I mention that it had no moving parts?).

I pulled the boxes apart. Maybe the battery slid between or behind some cardboard flaps. Is it in here? NOPE. No battery. Just the cover.

And the warranty for the cover.

So I get a bright idea. I call Verizon Customer Service, and I wait on hold. When I am helped, I politely inquire as to how many packages were shipped by Fed-Ex, because I received two, and did not receive my phone’s battery. She explains to me that I am supposed to use my old battery and that the customer service was kind enough to order me a battery cover, which they normally don’t do.

They ordered me the battery cover.

I can’t @#%ing believe that after almost two hours on the phone the other day, and threats to cancel my service that they couldn’t even get the replacement part order right.

Still, though, it is not the fault of the woman that I am currently on the phone with. This whole situation is new to her. So I explain the situation. I explain that the Tier II representative was supposed to order me a new battery. I explain that it is the battery that may be frying the phone. She orders me another battery, and I am now patiently awaiting my corrected order.

And maybe I am making a little too big a deal out of all of this. But I am pretty angry. I feel that Verizon and I entered into a contract, and that we agreed to provide each other certain things. I agreed to provide my finances, and they agreed to provide reliable services and equipment. I don’t believe that they have followed through on the equipment portion of this deal. I understand that Verizon does not manufacture the phones, but when you are sending me the same model, and it has already been repaired, and this is my third phone of the same model, then something is wrong, and I am not out of line in requesting a new phone.

Further, (and this again may be just me), if I am paying $90 a month for my wife and I to be on a family plan without data, perhaps I deserve to have my order processed correctly. Having been with Verizon since 2006, I have paid them a total of (at least) $6,480 over the past few years. I don’t use my phone enough to account for that type of payment. I am on the lowest plan that we can maintain the family plan on, and we use maybe 1/3 of our minutes. We have unlimited text, yes, but I can get unlimited EVERYTHING (including web) from Metro PCS for $35 a month. That’s only $70 for the two of us and no restrictions. We don’t even leave their coverage area (we’re in Southern California).

My new battery should be here in the next few days. I’m giving it until Christmas. If my phone freezes pr power cycles with the new battery, I am calling to have my contract arbitrated, and requesting that I be released from it for Verizon’s failure to provide reliable service and equipment.

On a note separate form Verizon's customer service, this phone has serious issues if you don't have a cover on it. It comes unlocked, pocket dialing your contacts and sending confusing text messages. The Bluetooth volume is terrible, broadcasting into your ear at less than half the volume of my wife's model (the predecessor to this one), and the phone's silent feature shuts itself off at random times during my college classes. I would not recommend this phone, and at the moment, I would not recommend Verizon.